The Book of Qoheleth

Some Ancient Wisdom, Translated into the Vernacular by Tony Lewis

This is the Book of Qoheleth, descendant of King David and himself a king in Jerusalem. It’s all pointless, Qoheleth says. Life is pointless. You spend all your time working hard, and when it’s all over, what do you have to show for it? Generations come and go, but nothing really changes. The sun comes up, the sun goes down, the wind blows, the rivers flow into the sea, the rain fills the rivers, and it starts all over again. Round and round. Everything gets boring. You can never get enough stimulation, because at some point you’ve seen it all before. There’s nothing new under the sun. Anybody who says different is lying. Nobody really remembers the past, and in the future no one will really remember today. So what’s the point?


I am Qoheleth, King of Israel, and from my throne in Jerusalem, I decided to figure out the meaning of life.

Basically, life sucks. I’ve seen it all, believe me, and it’s all just smoke. You might as well spend your time trying to whistle down the wind. This may be one mess we just can’t fix. I can’t even tell you how bad it is. You know, I said to myself, “I’m a great man. I’m ten times smarter than all the previous kings put together. I know what real wisdom is, and I know what real knowledge is, so I’m going to figure out what’s smart and what’s stupid, what makes sense and what’s just plain crazy.” But like I said, you might as well be whistling down the wind. The smarter you are, the more you worry. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

So I decided to just live it up and be happy. But guess what? That’s just smoke, too. I learned that partying is just foolishness and it doesn’t do you one bit of good. See, I wanted to become a wise man, so I figured I needed to really experience life. And I thought Wine, Women, and Song sounded like a pretty good way for somebody to pass the time before he croaks. But you know, I did some pretty impressive things, too. I built palaces. I had my own vineyards. I had beautifully landscaped gardens. I had orchards with every kind of fruit tree you ever heard of; I even had my own irrigation system. I had more servants than I could ever possibly need, and I owned more livestock than anybody who ever lived. I had piles of cash collected from every corner of my kingdom. I had the best in entertainment. And I got more ass than a toilet seat. Yeah, I was pretty hot shit. And best of all, I was never wrong. Anything I wanted, I got. Simple as that. I denied myself nothing, and I was pretty proud of myself, I have to say. I figured I had busted my ass to get where I was, and I deserved it all. But the more I thought about how hard I’d had to work to get everything I had, the more I realized how pointless it was. It was like pissing in the wind, because I hadn’t done one damn thing that somebody else hadn’t already done before me.

Then I decided to sit down and figure out what it really meant to be wise or foolish or savvy or reckless. Of course everybody says, “Wisdom is better than foolishness, just like light is better than darkness.” But still, whether you’re a wise man or a fool, you’re gonna end up just dirt in the ground, so what do you really gain from all that wisdom? Nada. Not a damn thing. Wise man or fool, you’re gonna end up dead and forgotten, and I don’t care who you are. So I realized that my entire existence was pointless. Even with all my treasures, life was nothing but trouble and strife. It was all smoke. I’d just been whistling down the wind.

Nothing that I’d accomplished meant a damn thing to me anymore, because I realized you can’t take it with you. So I would have to leave it to whoever was king after me, and he might be wise or he might be a fool. Who the hell knows? Either way, he’ll own everything I busted my ass for, everything my so-called wisdom got me, so what’s the point? All of a sudden, I was sorry I’d worked so hard instead of just taking it easy. You work your ass off and put everything you have into it, and you just have to leave it to some jerk who didn’t lift a finger. What is the point? You struggle and sweat your way through life, and what do you have to show for it? Till the day you die, everything you try to do just makes you stressed out. You can’t sleep at night from worrying. It’s pointless.

The best you can do is just eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy what you’ve got. It all comes from God anyway. Where else? And maybe God does right by the pious, but the less fortunate just slave all day and don’t get to keep what they earn anyway. It’s just smoke. You might as well be whistling down the wind.

Here’s a song:

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace… yada yada yada.

So what’s the point of trying if God really makes all the decisions? Life is a burden, so yeah, thanks a lot, God. He gives us the ability to wonder about life and ponder the future and try to make sense of it all, but he never really clues us in as to what the hell is going on. So the best you can do is don’t worry, be happy. Eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy what you’ve got. It’s God’s gift to you. What God has made will endure forever. You can’t add anything to it and you can’t take anything away from it. To think otherwise is pure hubris. God is awesome, but it’s just the same stuff over and over and over again. There’s nothing new under the sun.

And another thing, did you ever notice how many times you look for justice and find nothing but injustice and corruption instead? What is up with that? I said to myself, God judges everybody, whether you’re good or bad, and anyway, he makes it all happen, doesn’t he? To everything there is a season, etc.? I think he’s just trying to take us down a peg or two. To make us see that we’re no better than the animals. After all, we wind up just as dead as the animals do. We’re no better off than they are; we both end up just dirt in the ground. Nobody knows what happens after you die. Nobody knows for sure that people go to heaven. Or that animals don’t, for that matter. You can’t possibly know. So why worry about it? Enjoy the good things you’ve got. I mean, what else can you do?

Anyway, about injustice and corruption, I looked around and I saw all the downtrodden people of the earth were crying out for someone to save them, and no one would do anything. Why? Because the people who were doing the trodding had all the power. They held all the cards, and woe to anybody who crossed them. I said to myself, the people who are dead and gone don’t know how lucky they are. They’re better off than the suckers who are still alive. The really lucky ones are the people who were never born in the first place. They’ll never have to deal with this shit at all.

So why do people work so hard to try to get ahead in life? It’s simple. Envy. They want whatever they see their neighbors have. It’s so pointless! It’s just smoke. You might as well be whistling down the wind. You say a man would be a fool to sit on his hands, do nothing, and let himself starve to death. Maybe so, but you’re better off being satisfied with having a little than running around your whole life, knocking yourself out trying to whistle down the wind.

Something else I just don’t get: a guy lives alone, no wife, no family, and still he works himself to death trying to get all he can, never satisfied with what he has. What’s the point? Who’s he doing it for? He’s not enjoying himself, he’s always stressed out and miserable. And for what? It makes no sense. Two heads are better than one, like they say. If you fall on your ass, a friend can help you up. If you’re out in the cold, a friend can help keep you warm. If you’re in a fight, a friend can watch your back. If you’re all alone, you’re shit out of luck. Let me put it another way: A twig is easily broken; a bundle of twigs, not so much.

You may start out with nothing and make yourself into a king, but if you’re too stupid then to take good advice, then you’re actually worse off than a kid with brains but no money. Think about it. And with all the people in the world, somewhere out there right now is a kid who will one day take your place. It doesn’t matter if you’re king of the whole goddamn world, one morning you’ll wake up dead and nobody will be grateful for anything you accomplished. It’s just smoke. You might as well be whistling down the wind.

Be careful what you wish for, especially in church. You’re better off going there to learn about yourself than going just to ask God to do you a favor, like those idiots who pray constantly but don’t even know right from wrong. If you are going to ask God to do something for you, think it through before you make any big promises. Remember, he’s the King of Heaven and you’re just some piss-ant mortal, so don’t get in over your head. The more you worry about it, the more likely you are to have nightmares, and the more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid, so when you do make a promise to God, do what you say you’re gonna do and be done with it. Don’t let God down, or what, you’re gonna come back later and say you didn’t really mean it? God don’t take kindly to that. You want him to smite you? It doesn’t matter if you’re a big dreamer, a hard worker, or a smooth talker; in the end, you’re nothing compared to God.

It should come as no surprise that the government treats the poor badly, denies them their rights, and offers them only injustice and corruption. At every level of bureaucracy, the people in charge have their asses covered by the guy above them. Even the king, at the top of the heap, can justify his actions one way or another. And if money is all you care about, you can never get enough. You’ll never be satisfied. It’s pointless. The more money you have, the more people you have to support. All you’ve really got is the privilege of saying “I’m rich.” A poor man may not have enough to eat, but at least he can get a good night’s sleep. A rich man is up all night worrying about his money!

And what’s worse is when people scrimp and save and work for years to squirrel away some money, and end up losing it all on a bad deal and winding up with nothing. What’s the point? You know you can’t take it with you. We come into this world with nothing, and we go out the same way. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, the end result is the same. It’s such a rip-off! You bust your ass trying to whistle down the wind, and what do you have to show for it? A life of misery, that’s what.

Listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The best you can do, the best anybody can do, is eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy whatever good things you’ve got while you can, because you’ll be dead and buried soon enough. If God has decreed that you’ll have a good job and a nice house with some cool stuff, then count yourself lucky and don’t bitch and moan about what you ain’t got. It’s God’s gift to you, and it’s probably the best you’re gonna get, so don’t worry about it.

That’s another thing that bugs me. God gives somebody everything he could possibly want, but never lets him just enjoy it. Some complete stranger ends up enjoying it instead. What is the point? It’s a total rip-off. He could live a hundred years and have a hundred children, but he never gets to be happy, and when he dies, nobody even cares. A dead baby is better off than that guy. At least it doesn’t know what it’s missing. Not like the guy who never enjoys his life, no matter how long he lives. And anyway, they’re heading for the same place; the baby just gets there first, without all the hassles along the way.

A man works his life away just to get a meager amount of food, so how is the wise man better off than the fool? What good does it do a poor man to know the secrets of the universe? It’s just smoke. You might as well try whistling down the wind. You’re better off being satisfied with what you’ve got instead of always wanting more. God already determined everything a long time ago, and we all know there’s no point arguing with somebody stronger than you. The more you argue, the more pointless it is, and you’re no better off than when you started. You can’t expect to know where you’re heading in life, just as you can’t expect to know what’s going to happen after you’re dead.

Here’s some aphorisms:

They say a good reputation is better than the most expensive perfume. I say the day you die is better than the day you’re born.

It’s better to go to a funeral than to a wedding, because people need to be reminded that the Grim Reaper is waiting for us all.

Crying is better than laughing—you might look like hell, but you’re closer to the truth about the world.

A person obsessed with happiness is a fool; the wise man is obsessed with death.

It’s better to have smart people criticize you than to have stupid people sing your praises.

When a fool laughs, it’s just noise. It doesn’t mean anything.

When a wise man cheats somebody or takes a bribe, he might as well be a fool.

Endings are better than beginnings.

The patient man is better than the proud man.

Only jerks lose their temper, and only fools hold a grudge.

Never ask why things were so much better back in the old days. It’s a stupid question.

Everybody ought to be wise; it’s the best inheritance anybody could ever get. It keeps you safer than money does.

You think you can fix God’s mistakes? Who the hell are you?

When times are good, just shut up and enjoy it. The shit will hit the fan soon enough.

Remember, life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get.

My life has been pointless, but brother, I’ve seen it all. The good die young and the most evil sons of bitches live to a ripe old age. So don’t knock yourself out trying to be too good or too smart. But don’t be too nasty or too foolish either. I mean, why die before you have to? Look for the middle path. And if you take care of God, he’ll take care of you. Wisdom is good; wisdom will do more for you than ten kings would ever do, but remember, there isn’t a man on earth who is always right and never makes a mistake. And don’t worry about what people are saying about you. Maybe they’re insulting you, but it’s not like you never insulted anybody.

This is as far as my wisdom got me. I set out to figure out the meaning of life, but it was beyond me. And if I couldn’t figure it out, I don’t expect anybody could. Life is just too much of a muddle. I devoted my every waking hour to learning and studying and pondering the Big Questions. I was determined to find wisdom, to unlock the secrets of the ages, and to expose the foolishness and stupidity running rampant in the world.

I’ll tell you one thing I did learn—women are nothing but trouble. Her love will catch you like a fish in a net. Her tender embrace will trap you like iron shackles. A wise man might be able to get away, but a fool will be pussy-whipped forever. Oh yeah, I learned this the hard way during my search for truth. I tried to prove myself wrong, to come to some other conclusion, but there was just no avoiding it. I found maybe one man in a thousand that I could respect, but not a single woman. It all boils down to this: life should be simple, but we’ve made it complicated. Wisdom is the only thing that leads to truth; it’s the only way to find true satisfaction.

You want wisdom? Here’s some wisdom. Do what the king tells you to do, and don’t make any promises you can’t keep. The king answers to no one, so every minute you are with him, you are in danger. Why hang around such a dangerous place? Say what you have to say and get out of there. A wise man knows how to stay in the king’s good graces. There’s a right way and a right time to do everything, though it’s hard to know what that is. But eventually, your number’s up and it’s curtains for you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Nobody cheats death forever.

I tell you, I’ve seen it all, and there’s no justice in the world. Some men are on the top and some men are on the bottom, and that’s just how it is. I’ve been to funerals for some of the most evil sons of bitches who ever lived, and I’ve seen people who ought to know better stand there and say what a great guy he was. It’s all smoke.

So why are people so willing to do rotten things? It’s simple. They think they can get away with it. And they usually can. You can commit a hundred petty crimes and not have to answer for any of them. I know people always say, “If you’re a good person, everything will work out for the best, but if you’re a sinner, God will punish you.” What a load of crap. Plenty of times, decent folks get the short end of the stick while heartless bastards live like kings. It’s all smoke.

So what can you do? Eat, drink, and be merry. Seriously. That’s all you can do. You can work on cracking the meaning of life 24/7, but you’ll never get anywhere. No matter how long, hard, and deep you think about it, you’ll never figure it out. Philosophers may say they know the answers to the Big Questions, but they don’t know jack shit.

I’ve thought about this and thought about this, and have come to one inescapable conclusion: God is the man in charge, and no matter how smart you are, nothing you do makes one whit of difference. You’re just going to end up dirt in the ground like everybody else. The wise man dies same as the fool. There’s no justice in the world. Life sucks and then you die. That’s just how it is. I guess it’s better to be alive than it is to be worm food. I mean, a living loser is better off than a dead hero, right? At least if you’re alive, you can look forward to tomorrow. Once you’re dead, that’s all she wrote. The dead don’t look forward to anything. They’re just dirt in the ground.

So go ahead—eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy yourself. It’s okay with God. Don’t worry, be happy. Enjoy making love to your woman, as long as you have to live the worthless life God gave you in this crummy world. Enjoy every worthless day of it, because it’s all you’re gonna get. Do your best at whatever it is you have to do, because you won’t get to do anything once you’re dead. So make the most of it while you have the chance. Everybody dies, and you’re no exception.

You want the truth? Here it is: the fastest guy doesn’t always win the race, and the toughest guy doesn’t always win the fight. A good education doesn’t guarantee you a good job. Smart people don’t usually make a lot of money, and the most qualified guy doesn’t always make it to the top. Shit happens, and you never see it coming.

Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, there was a little podunk town, and a mighty army surrounded the town, and was about to roll in and flatten the place. Now, in the town there lived a really smart guy, and he figured out a way to save the town from getting flattened. But since he wasn’t rich or important, nobody listened to him. So the town got flattened. Now, I’ve always said it’s better to be smart than strong, but unless you’ve got money and influence, nobody thinks you know what you’re talking about. Sure, the whisper of one wise man is worth more than the shouts of a roomful of fools, and wisdom is better than any weapon, but the truth is, one idiot can undo the work of thousands.

Just as one bad apple spoils the barrel, one stupid decision can make a genius into a fool. And you can just tell when somebody’s got a good head on his shoulders or if he’s a stupid idiot. You don’t even have to know somebody to know he’s a fool; it’s obvious.

Oh, if the king does get pissed at you, whatever you do, don’t hand in your resignation. You may as well sign your own death warrant. Remember, yes-men rarely get executed, no matter how badly they screw up. That’s something else that pisses me off. I hate it when I see complete morons in positions of authority when the really intelligent guys languish in obscurity. It’s so completely ass-backwards. Some jumped-up little snot is cruising around in his Porsche while the guy with real talent is stuck riding a crummy bicycle.

You know how it is. If you dig a hole, you’re bound to fall in. If you work in a garden, some snake will probably bite you. If you build with bricks, you’re likely to smash your finger. If you try chopping wood, you end up with a nasty splinter. Or you wear yourself out because your ax is too dull. It’s good to plan ahead, but knowing how to charm a snake is no use if you let it bite you in the ass first. When a guy shows that he knows what he’s talking about, people respect him, but a fool just proves he’s a fool. He may start out just being funny, but pretty soon he’s made a complete ass of himself. A fool just doesn’t know when to shut up. You can’t count on the future. No one knows what tomorrow may bring. So don’t wear yourself out with hard work if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

A country is in big trouble when the king is an idiot and his advisors are a pack of greedy bastards. Count yourself lucky if the king knows how to make his own decisions and his generals aren’t a bunch of reckless drunks. A couple words of advice: if you’re too lazy to fix your roof, eventually it’s going to collapse on your own head. A good meal and a nice bottle of wine may make you feel happy, but you won’t have either if you’re flat broke. And if you are, don’t blame the king, don’t grouse about the rich and powerful, even in private. You never know who might be listening.

Invest your money in a diversified portfolio, because you never know when a particular market is gonna go south. Someday you might even make a profit. Just remember this: wherever you go, there you are. In other words, if you’re always waiting for conditions to be just right and you’re always testing the wind to see which way it’s blowing and you never actually invest, then you’ll never get the payoff. You can’t win if you don’t play. God is inscrutable. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never figure out what he’s up to. You might as well try understanding when life begins in the womb. So don’t worry about acting when the time is right, just act. You really don’t have any way of knowing if the time is right or not, so just do it.

Whatever happens, you’ve got to be able to enjoy the sun on your face, and be grateful for every year you’re still alive, because no matter how long you live, you’re going to be dead a hell of a lot longer.

Live it up while you’re young. Enjoy the hell out of it. Do whatever you want to do. Follow your dreams. Just remember the day will come when you have to pay the piper. But while you’re young, don’t worry about anything, don’t let anything get you down. Because you’ll get old before you know it, and then it’s all downhill. You become this cranky old curmudgeon, and you have to go to the bathroom constantly, you get frail and feeble, you have to gum your food, your eyesight starts to fail, you start going deaf, the slightest thing will wake you up at night, you get vertigo, you’ll need one of those stupid walkers, your hair goes gray, you’re full of aches and pains, and you can forget about having sex. And the next thing you know, you’re dead. Dirt in the ground. End of story.

You want to tell me life’s not pointless? Well, stop and smell the smoke.


Despite the pointlessness of it all, Qoheleth continued to share his insights with whoever would listen. He never gave up his pursuit of wisdom and deeper understanding. You may not like what he had to say, but at least he was honest. Think of him like a shepherd, trying to get a bunch of stupid sheep to go the right way by poking them with a sharp stick. And I bet his pithy sayings will last longer than the nails in your coffin. God’s like a shepherd too, in much the same way, come to think of it. But let this be a lesson to you: once you start in with the books, there’s no end in sight, and too much book-learning will make you crazy in the head. So fear God and obey his commandments, and don’t think you can put one over on him, or you’ll come up short on Judgment Day, and you better believe it. And that’s all I have to say about that.