The Book of Qoheleth

Some Ancient Wisdom, Translated into the Vernacular by Tony Lewis

This is the Book of Qoheleth, descendant of King David and himself a king in Jerusalem. It’s all pointless, Qoheleth says. Life is pointless. You spend all your time working hard, and when it’s all over, what do you have to show for it? Generations come and go, but nothing really changes. The sun comes up, the sun goes down, the wind blows, the rivers flow into the sea, the rain fills the rivers, and it starts all over again. Round and round. Everything gets boring. You can never get enough stimulation, because at some point you’ve seen it all before. There’s nothing new under the sun. Anybody who says different is lying. Nobody really remembers the past, and in the future no one will really remember today. So what’s the point?


I am Qoheleth, King of Israel, and from my throne in Jerusalem, I decided to figure out the meaning of life.

Basically, life sucks. I’ve seen it all, believe me, and it’s all just smoke. You might as well spend your time trying to whistle down the wind. This may be one mess we just can’t fix. I can’t even tell you how bad it is. You know, I said to myself, “I’m a great man. I’m ten times smarter than all the previous kings put together. I know what real wisdom is, and I know what real knowledge is, so I’m going to figure out what’s smart and what’s stupid, what makes sense and what’s just plain crazy.” But like I said, you might as well be whistling down the wind. The smarter you are, the more you worry. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

So I decided to just live it up and be happy. But guess what? That’s just smoke, too. I learned that partying is just foolishness and it doesn’t do you one bit of good. See, I wanted to become a wise man, so I figured I needed to really experience life. And I thought Wine, Women, and Song sounded like a pretty good way for somebody to pass the time before he croaks. But you know, I did some pretty impressive things, too. I built palaces. I had my own vineyards. I had beautifully landscaped gardens. I had orchards with every kind of fruit tree you ever heard of; I even had my own irrigation system. I had more servants than I could ever possibly need, and I owned more livestock than anybody who ever lived. I had piles of cash collected from every corner of my kingdom. I had the best in entertainment. And I got more ass than a toilet seat. Yeah, I was pretty hot shit. And best of all, I was never wrong. Anything I wanted, I got. Simple as that. I denied myself nothing, and I was pretty proud of myself, I have to say. I figured I had busted my ass to get where I was, and I deserved it all. But the more I thought about how hard I’d had to work to get everything I had, the more I realized how pointless it was. It was like pissing in the wind, because I hadn’t done one damn thing that somebody else hadn’t already done before me.

Then I decided to sit down and figure out what it really meant to be wise or foolish or savvy or reckless. Of course everybody says, “Wisdom is better than foolishness, just like light is better than darkness.” But still, whether you’re a wise man or a fool, you’re gonna end up just dirt in the ground, so what do you really gain from all that wisdom? Nada. Not a damn thing. Wise man or fool, you’re gonna end up dead and forgotten, and I don’t care who you are. So I realized that my entire existence was pointless. Even with all my treasures, life was nothing but trouble and strife. It was all smoke. I’d just been whistling down the wind.

Nothing that I’d accomplished meant a damn thing to me anymore, because I realized you can’t take it with you. So I would have to leave it to whoever was king after me, and he might be wise or he might be a fool. Who the hell knows? Either way, he’ll own everything I busted my ass for, everything my so-called wisdom got me, so what’s the point? All of a sudden, I was sorry I’d worked so hard instead of just taking it easy. You work your ass off and put everything you have into it, and you just have to leave it to some jerk who didn’t lift a finger. What is the point? You struggle and sweat your way through life, and what do you have to show for it? Till the day you die, everything you try to do just makes you stressed out. You can’t sleep at night from worrying. It’s pointless.

The best you can do is just eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy what you’ve got. It all comes from God anyway. Where else? And maybe God does right by the pious, but the less fortunate just slave all day and don’t get to keep what they earn anyway. It’s just smoke. You might as well be whistling down the wind.

Here’s a song:

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace… yada yada yada.

So what’s the point of trying if God really makes all the decisions? Life is a burden, so yeah, thanks a lot, God. He gives us the ability to wonder about life and ponder the future and try to make sense of it all, but he never really clues us in as to what the hell is going on. So the best you can do is don’t worry, be happy. Eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy what you’ve got. It’s God’s gift to you. What God has made will endure forever. You can’t add anything to it and you can’t take anything away from it. To think otherwise is pure hubris. God is awesome, but it’s just the same stuff over and over and over again. There’s nothing new under the sun.

And another thing, did you ever notice how many times you look for justice and find nothing but injustice and corruption instead? What is up with that? I said to myself, God judges everybody, whether you’re good or bad, and anyway, he makes it all happen, doesn’t he? To everything there is a season, etc.? I think he’s just trying to take us down a peg or two. To make us see that we’re no better than the animals. After all, we wind up just as dead as the animals do. We’re no better off than they are; we both end up just dirt in the ground. Nobody knows what happens after you die. Nobody knows for sure that people go to heaven. Or that animals don’t, for that matter. You can’t possibly know. So why worry about it? Enjoy the good things you’ve got. I mean, what else can you do?

Anyway, about injustice and corruption, I looked around and I saw all the downtrodden people of the earth were crying out for someone to save them, and no one would do anything. Why? Because the people who were doing the trodding had all the power. They held all the cards, and woe to anybody who crossed them. I said to myself, the people who are dead and gone don’t know how lucky they are. They’re better off than the suckers who are still alive. The really lucky ones are the people who were never born in the first place. They’ll never have to deal with this shit at all.

So why do people work so hard to try to get ahead in life? It’s simple. Envy. They want whatever they see their neighbors have. It’s so pointless! It’s just smoke. You might as well be whistling down the wind. You say a man would be a fool to sit on his hands, do nothing, and let himself starve to death. Maybe so, but you’re better off being satisfied with having a little than running around your whole life, knocking yourself out trying to whistle down the wind.

Something else I just don’t get: a guy lives alone, no wife, no family, and still he works himself to death trying to get all he can, never satisfied with what he has. What’s the point? Who’s he doing it for? He’s not enjoying himself, he’s always stressed out and miserable. And for what? It makes no sense. Two heads are better than one, like they say. If you fall on your ass, a friend can help you up. If you’re out in the cold, a friend can help keep you warm. If you’re in a fight, a friend can watch your back. If you’re all alone, you’re shit out of luck. Let me put it another way: A twig is easily broken; a bundle of twigs, not so much.

You may start out with nothing and make yourself into a king, but if you’re too stupid then to take good advice, then you’re actually worse off than a kid with brains but no money. Think about it. And with all the people in the world, somewhere out there right now is a kid who will one day take your place. It doesn’t matter if you’re king of the whole goddamn world, one morning you’ll wake up dead and nobody will be grateful for anything you accomplished. It’s just smoke. You might as well be whistling down the wind.

Be careful what you wish for, especially in church. You’re better off going there to learn about yourself than going just to ask God to do you a favor, like those idiots who pray constantly but don’t even know right from wrong. If you are going to ask God to do something for you, think it through before you make any big promises. Remember, he’s the King of Heaven and you’re just some piss-ant mortal, so don’t get in over your head. The more you worry about it, the more likely you are to have nightmares, and the more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid, so when you do make a promise to God, do what you say you’re gonna do and be done with it. Don’t let God down, or what, you’re gonna come back later and say you didn’t really mean it? God don’t take kindly to that. You want him to smite you? It doesn’t matter if you’re a big dreamer, a hard worker, or a smooth talker; in the end, you’re nothing compared to God.

It should come as no surprise that the government treats the poor badly, denies them their rights, and offers them only injustice and corruption. At every level of bureaucracy, the people in charge have their asses covered by the guy above them. Even the king, at the top of the heap, can justify his actions one way or another. And if money is all you care about, you can never get enough. You’ll never be satisfied. It’s pointless. The more money you have, the more people you have to support. All you’ve really got is the privilege of saying “I’m rich.” A poor man may not have enough to eat, but at least he can get a good night’s sleep. A rich man is up all night worrying about his money!

And what’s worse is when people scrimp and save and work for years to squirrel away some money, and end up losing it all on a bad deal and winding up with nothing. What’s the point? You know you can’t take it with you. We come into this world with nothing, and we go out the same way. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, the end result is the same. It’s such a rip-off! You bust your ass trying to whistle down the wind, and what do you have to show for it? A life of misery, that’s what.

Listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The best you can do, the best anybody can do, is eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy whatever good things you’ve got while you can, because you’ll be dead and buried soon enough. If God has decreed that you’ll have a good job and a nice house with some cool stuff, then count yourself lucky and don’t bitch and moan about what you ain’t got. It’s God’s gift to you, and it’s probably the best you’re gonna get, so don’t worry about it.

That’s another thing that bugs me. God gives somebody everything he could possibly want, but never lets him just enjoy it. Some complete stranger ends up enjoying it instead. What is the point? It’s a total rip-off. He could live a hundred years and have a hundred children, but he never gets to be happy, and when he dies, nobody even cares. A dead baby is better off than that guy. At least it doesn’t know what it’s missing. Not like the guy who never enjoys his life, no matter how long he lives. And anyway, they’re heading for the same place; the baby just gets there first, without all the hassles along the way.

A man works his life away just to get a meager amount of food, so how is the wise man better off than the fool? What good does it do a poor man to know the secrets of the universe? It’s just smoke. You might as well try whistling down the wind. You’re better off being satisfied with what you’ve got instead of always wanting more. God already determined everything a long time ago, and we all know there’s no point arguing with somebody stronger than you. The more you argue, the more pointless it is, and you’re no better off than when you started. You can’t expect to know where you’re heading in life, just as you can’t expect to know what’s going to happen after you’re dead.

Here’s some aphorisms:

They say a good reputation is better than the most expensive perfume. I say the day you die is better than the day you’re born.

It’s better to go to a funeral than to a wedding, because people need to be reminded that the Grim Reaper is waiting for us all.

Crying is better than laughing—you might look like hell, but you’re closer to the truth about the world.

A person obsessed with happiness is a fool; the wise man is obsessed with death.

It’s better to have smart people criticize you than to have stupid people sing your praises.

When a fool laughs, it’s just noise. It doesn’t mean anything.

When a wise man cheats somebody or takes a bribe, he might as well be a fool.

Endings are better than beginnings.

The patient man is better than the proud man.

Only jerks lose their temper, and only fools hold a grudge.

Never ask why things were so much better back in the old days. It’s a stupid question.

Everybody ought to be wise; it’s the best inheritance anybody could ever get. It keeps you safer than money does.

You think you can fix God’s mistakes? Who the hell are you?

When times are good, just shut up and enjoy it. The shit will hit the fan soon enough.

Remember, life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get.

My life has been pointless, but brother, I’ve seen it all. The good die young and the most evil sons of bitches live to a ripe old age. So don’t knock yourself out trying to be too good or too smart. But don’t be too nasty or too foolish either. I mean, why die before you have to? Look for the middle path. And if you take care of God, he’ll take care of you. Wisdom is good; wisdom will do more for you than ten kings would ever do, but remember, there isn’t a man on earth who is always right and never makes a mistake. And don’t worry about what people are saying about you. Maybe they’re insulting you, but it’s not like you never insulted anybody.

This is as far as my wisdom got me. I set out to figure out the meaning of life, but it was beyond me. And if I couldn’t figure it out, I don’t expect anybody could. Life is just too much of a muddle. I devoted my every waking hour to learning and studying and pondering the Big Questions. I was determined to find wisdom, to unlock the secrets of the ages, and to expose the foolishness and stupidity running rampant in the world.

I’ll tell you one thing I did learn—women are nothing but trouble. Her love will catch you like a fish in a net. Her tender embrace will trap you like iron shackles. A wise man might be able to get away, but a fool will be pussy-whipped forever. Oh yeah, I learned this the hard way during my search for truth. I tried to prove myself wrong, to come to some other conclusion, but there was just no avoiding it. I found maybe one man in a thousand that I could respect, but not a single woman. It all boils down to this: life should be simple, but we’ve made it complicated. Wisdom is the only thing that leads to truth; it’s the only way to find true satisfaction.

You want wisdom? Here’s some wisdom. Do what the king tells you to do, and don’t make any promises you can’t keep. The king answers to no one, so every minute you are with him, you are in danger. Why hang around such a dangerous place? Say what you have to say and get out of there. A wise man knows how to stay in the king’s good graces. There’s a right way and a right time to do everything, though it’s hard to know what that is. But eventually, your number’s up and it’s curtains for you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Nobody cheats death forever.

I tell you, I’ve seen it all, and there’s no justice in the world. Some men are on the top and some men are on the bottom, and that’s just how it is. I’ve been to funerals for some of the most evil sons of bitches who ever lived, and I’ve seen people who ought to know better stand there and say what a great guy he was. It’s all smoke.

So why are people so willing to do rotten things? It’s simple. They think they can get away with it. And they usually can. You can commit a hundred petty crimes and not have to answer for any of them. I know people always say, “If you’re a good person, everything will work out for the best, but if you’re a sinner, God will punish you.” What a load of crap. Plenty of times, decent folks get the short end of the stick while heartless bastards live like kings. It’s all smoke.

So what can you do? Eat, drink, and be merry. Seriously. That’s all you can do. You can work on cracking the meaning of life 24/7, but you’ll never get anywhere. No matter how long, hard, and deep you think about it, you’ll never figure it out. Philosophers may say they know the answers to the Big Questions, but they don’t know jack shit.

I’ve thought about this and thought about this, and have come to one inescapable conclusion: God is the man in charge, and no matter how smart you are, nothing you do makes one whit of difference. You’re just going to end up dirt in the ground like everybody else. The wise man dies same as the fool. There’s no justice in the world. Life sucks and then you die. That’s just how it is. I guess it’s better to be alive than it is to be worm food. I mean, a living loser is better off than a dead hero, right? At least if you’re alive, you can look forward to tomorrow. Once you’re dead, that’s all she wrote. The dead don’t look forward to anything. They’re just dirt in the ground.

So go ahead—eat, drink, and be merry. Enjoy yourself. It’s okay with God. Don’t worry, be happy. Enjoy making love to your woman, as long as you have to live the worthless life God gave you in this crummy world. Enjoy every worthless day of it, because it’s all you’re gonna get. Do your best at whatever it is you have to do, because you won’t get to do anything once you’re dead. So make the most of it while you have the chance. Everybody dies, and you’re no exception.

You want the truth? Here it is: the fastest guy doesn’t always win the race, and the toughest guy doesn’t always win the fight. A good education doesn’t guarantee you a good job. Smart people don’t usually make a lot of money, and the most qualified guy doesn’t always make it to the top. Shit happens, and you never see it coming.

Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, there was a little podunk town, and a mighty army surrounded the town, and was about to roll in and flatten the place. Now, in the town there lived a really smart guy, and he figured out a way to save the town from getting flattened. But since he wasn’t rich or important, nobody listened to him. So the town got flattened. Now, I’ve always said it’s better to be smart than strong, but unless you’ve got money and influence, nobody thinks you know what you’re talking about. Sure, the whisper of one wise man is worth more than the shouts of a roomful of fools, and wisdom is better than any weapon, but the truth is, one idiot can undo the work of thousands.

Just as one bad apple spoils the barrel, one stupid decision can make a genius into a fool. And you can just tell when somebody’s got a good head on his shoulders or if he’s a stupid idiot. You don’t even have to know somebody to know he’s a fool; it’s obvious.

Oh, if the king does get pissed at you, whatever you do, don’t hand in your resignation. You may as well sign your own death warrant. Remember, yes-men rarely get executed, no matter how badly they screw up. That’s something else that pisses me off. I hate it when I see complete morons in positions of authority when the really intelligent guys languish in obscurity. It’s so completely ass-backwards. Some jumped-up little snot is cruising around in his Porsche while the guy with real talent is stuck riding a crummy bicycle.

You know how it is. If you dig a hole, you’re bound to fall in. If you work in a garden, some snake will probably bite you. If you build with bricks, you’re likely to smash your finger. If you try chopping wood, you end up with a nasty splinter. Or you wear yourself out because your ax is too dull. It’s good to plan ahead, but knowing how to charm a snake is no use if you let it bite you in the ass first. When a guy shows that he knows what he’s talking about, people respect him, but a fool just proves he’s a fool. He may start out just being funny, but pretty soon he’s made a complete ass of himself. A fool just doesn’t know when to shut up. You can’t count on the future. No one knows what tomorrow may bring. So don’t wear yourself out with hard work if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

A country is in big trouble when the king is an idiot and his advisors are a pack of greedy bastards. Count yourself lucky if the king knows how to make his own decisions and his generals aren’t a bunch of reckless drunks. A couple words of advice: if you’re too lazy to fix your roof, eventually it’s going to collapse on your own head. A good meal and a nice bottle of wine may make you feel happy, but you won’t have either if you’re flat broke. And if you are, don’t blame the king, don’t grouse about the rich and powerful, even in private. You never know who might be listening.

Invest your money in a diversified portfolio, because you never know when a particular market is gonna go south. Someday you might even make a profit. Just remember this: wherever you go, there you are. In other words, if you’re always waiting for conditions to be just right and you’re always testing the wind to see which way it’s blowing and you never actually invest, then you’ll never get the payoff. You can’t win if you don’t play. God is inscrutable. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never figure out what he’s up to. You might as well try understanding when life begins in the womb. So don’t worry about acting when the time is right, just act. You really don’t have any way of knowing if the time is right or not, so just do it.

Whatever happens, you’ve got to be able to enjoy the sun on your face, and be grateful for every year you’re still alive, because no matter how long you live, you’re going to be dead a hell of a lot longer.

Live it up while you’re young. Enjoy the hell out of it. Do whatever you want to do. Follow your dreams. Just remember the day will come when you have to pay the piper. But while you’re young, don’t worry about anything, don’t let anything get you down. Because you’ll get old before you know it, and then it’s all downhill. You become this cranky old curmudgeon, and you have to go to the bathroom constantly, you get frail and feeble, you have to gum your food, your eyesight starts to fail, you start going deaf, the slightest thing will wake you up at night, you get vertigo, you’ll need one of those stupid walkers, your hair goes gray, you’re full of aches and pains, and you can forget about having sex. And the next thing you know, you’re dead. Dirt in the ground. End of story.

You want to tell me life’s not pointless? Well, stop and smell the smoke.


Despite the pointlessness of it all, Qoheleth continued to share his insights with whoever would listen. He never gave up his pursuit of wisdom and deeper understanding. You may not like what he had to say, but at least he was honest. Think of him like a shepherd, trying to get a bunch of stupid sheep to go the right way by poking them with a sharp stick. And I bet his pithy sayings will last longer than the nails in your coffin. God’s like a shepherd too, in much the same way, come to think of it. But let this be a lesson to you: once you start in with the books, there’s no end in sight, and too much book-learning will make you crazy in the head. So fear God and obey his commandments, and don’t think you can put one over on him, or you’ll come up short on Judgment Day, and you better believe it. And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Garden of Eden

Re-Translated from the Original by Tony Lewis

When the earth was young, the gods made the first human beings, breathing into them the breath of life and thereby giving them their souls. The gods then created a garden paradise called Eden for the first two humans to live in, filled with many trees to make the garden a beautiful place and to provide food for its inhabitants. In the middle of the garden, the gods put two special trees, the Tree of Life and the Tree of Wisdom.

The gods wanted the humans to help them take care of the beautiful garden, so the All-Father asked the Boy to come up with names for all the animals. But there were so many animals, the Boy quickly realized he needed help. The All-Father said the Girl would help him, but he warned the pair not to eat the fruit of the Tree of Wisdom, for once they did, it would be all over for them. Then, the All-Father told the rest of the gods, “It’s best that the humans remain innocent, for they’re not ready to know what we know.”

The Boy and the Girl were so innocent they went around the garden naked and it didn’t bother them. One day, though, the crafty Snake came upon the Girl when she was alone. Snake asked her, “So the All-Father said you can eat from any tree in the garden?”

The Girl answered, “Yes, any of the fruit trees. Except the two in the center. He said if we eat that fruit, we’ll be struck dead.”

Snake laughed. “The gods are going to strike you dead for eating some fruit? That’s ridiculous. They know that the day you eat the fruit of the Tree of Wisdom, your eyes will be opened. You will gain all the wisdom of the gods.”

The Girl thought that wisdom sounded like a good thing, and the fruit did look pretty tasty. She decided to eat some, and then she gave some to the Boy, and he ate it too. Suddenly, they realized they were naked and, filled with embarrassment, they wove together some leaves from a fig tree to cover themselves. When they heard the All-Father approaching, they were overcome with shame so they ran and hid.

The All-Father called out, “Hey, where are you?”

Sheepishly, the Boy and the Girl came out from behind the trees. The Boy said, “When I heard you in the garden, I was afraid… because I’m naked. So I hid.”

The All-Father said, “Oh, and who told you that you were naked? You weren’t eating the fruit I told you not to eat, were you?

The Boy pointed at the Girl and shouted, “It’s her fault! She gave it to me!”

The All-Father asked the Girl, “Why did you do that?”

The Girl blurted out, “Snake tricked me into eating it!”

The All-Father turned to Snake and said, “You trickster! They won’t thank you for this. In fact, they’ll probably hate you for it.”

Then he turned back to the Girl, sighed, and said, “You wanted the wisdom of the gods? Well, here it is. Eventually, you’re going to get pregnant and have babies. And it’s going to hurt. A lot. And the men around you are always going to want to tell you what to do. That’s just how life is.”

Then he turned to the Boy and said, “You know what? You don’t get to play in the garden forever. You’re going to have to work hard for most of your life just to scratch out a living. You’ll curse the weeds that sprout among your herbs and vegetables, and you’ll eat your meals with sweat on your face. That’s just how life is.”

Then the All-Father said to the rest of the gods, “Hey, look! Now the humans are as wise as we are! We’d better kick them out of the Garden of Eden before they foolishly eat from the Tree of Life as well and become immortal! Then their sufferings would never end!”

But before sending them out to make their own way in the world, the All-Father made tunics of leather for the Boy and the Girl so they would at least have some proper clothes. They had to grow up now, but they were still his children and he loved them.

In the Beginning

Re-Translated from the Original by Tony Lewis

Time was, the gods made the Planet Earth. At first, the world was shapeless and empty and darkness covered the sea, but the breath of the gods blew over the surface of the water. Then the gods called forth the light, and the light appeared. The light pleased the gods and they made it separate from the darkness. The gods named the light “the day” and the darkness “the night.” Evening and morning joined them together, making the first day. Then the gods built the sky to separate the rainwater above from the seawater below and named it “the sky.” Evening and morning came again, making the second day.

Then the gods told the seawater to recede so they could see dry land, and it did so. They named the dry land “the earth” and the waters they named “the sea,” and the gods were pleased. Then the gods told the earth to sprout grass and other plants and to sow their seeds, and for fruit trees to grow across the land and make fruit, each according to its kind. It did so, and the gods were pleased. Evening and morning came again, making the third day. Then the gods called forth bright lights in the sky to divide day and night, and to mark time, and to illuminate the earth. The gods made two lights, the brighter light to rule the day and the dimmer light to rule the night and the stars. The gods set the lights in the sky and were pleased. Evening and morning came again, making the fourth day.

Then the gods called forth swarms of living creatures to swim in the seas and fly through the air. The gods created the great dragons and all other living creatures, every species that swims in the sea and every species that flies in the air, and they were pleased. The gods blessed them and told them to increase and multiply and to become numerous on the earth. Evening and morning came again, making the fifth day. Then the gods called forth other living creatures to walk upon the ground, every kind of beast and every kind of insect, every animal on the earth. The gods made them, and were pleased.

Then the gods said, “Let us make human beings, similar to ourselves, to rule over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and every animal that walks the earth.” And so the gods created human beings, similar to themselves, making them male and female. The gods blessed them and told them to increase and multiply and to become numerous on the earth, to master their domain, and to rule the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and every animal that walks the earth. The gods told them, “Look, we have given you all the plants that sow their seeds and all the trees that bear fruit to be your food. Every animal on the earth and in the sky has green plants to eat.” Then the gods looked at everything they had done and were very pleased. Evening and morning came again, making the sixth day. The Planet Earth was completed, the whole project was finished.

On the seventh day, the gods’ work was done, and so they stopped. They blessed the seventh day and declared it to be a day of rest from all the work they had done.

A Matter of Perspective

Compiled by Tony Lewis from Translations of the Original Sources

The Creation Myth of the Æsir

Before the Earth was made, there was only the Great Void, which we call Ginnungagap, between the two worlds of ice and fire. The world of ice, Niflheim, lay to the north, and within it was the fountainhead from which all rivers flow. To the south was Muspelheim, the world of fire. In the Void, the heat from the south and the north’s cold cancelled each other out, creating a temperate region of swirling mists. One of the rivers out of Niflheim, called Elivagar, was not made of water—it was pure venom. And as the venom froze in the intense cold, it crusted over with salty rime-frost, creating great chunks of poison ice. These were carried into Ginnungagap, where the heat from Muspelheim began to melt them, making a toxic mist that then fell as venom-rain. This eroded the ice chunks further, until they formed the shape of a man. The heat and sparks that drifted in from Muspelheim gave the figure life, but he had an evil nature due to the venom in his veins. This was Ymir, first of the wicked Frost-Giants.

When Ymir awoke, he was hungry. Yet there was nothing to eat in Ginnungagap, not even grass. In search of food, he walked to the very edge of Niflheim, but found only a barren wasteland of ice and snow. He then wandered to the borders of Muspelheim, but found only a land of hot coals, lava, and slag that no traveler could cross. In despair, he returned to the center of the Void, where the icy rivers were melting, and from the ice emerged a big fat cow called Audumbla. From her udders ran four streams of milk, so Ymir ran to her, threw himself on the muddy ground, and sucked on her teats until his belly was full.

Having gorged himself on Audumbla’s warm milk, Ymir soon passed out on the ground and slept. A warm breeze was blowing in from the south, and Ymir’s body got sweaty as he tossed and turned. The sweat in his armpits congealed into a daughter and a son—the mother of all witches and the father of all warlocks. As Ymir slept, his stinky feet had sex with each other, producing another son—the father of all seers and soothsayers. These vile offspring also suckled on Audumbla’s udders, and she soon grew skinny and weak.

With no grass or other food fit for a cow, Audumbla could only lick the large blocks of ice along the riverbank, which she found to be salty and yeasty. She licked one tall shaft of ice all day long, and by the time evening came, a man’s golden hair was visible inside the top of the column. The next day, Audumbla licked and sucked on the icy pillar again, and by evening, she could see the man’s beautiful face, looking as if he were sleeping peacefully. The third day, her tongue moved all around the icy shaft, quick as lightning, until the man’s whole body was exposed. His sky-blue eyes opened and he took his first breath, and Audumbla marveled at his tightly muscled frame. This was Búri, Father of the Gods.

Ymir and his filthy children feared the powerful Búri, so they withdrew to some dank caves close to Niflheim, where the ranks of the Frost-Giants grew. Búri roamed far and wide across Ginnungagap, gaining in strength and wisdom, which he then imparted to his son Bor. In time, Bor became the scourge of Ymir’s kin, and after defeating a craven giant named Bölthorn, he demanded the villain’s comely daughter as his mate. Thus, Bor and Bestla were wed, and she provided him with three mighty sons: Odin, Vili, and Vé.

The sons of Bor set out to rid the world of Ymir and his wicked brood. Together, they struck down Ymir, and when he fell, a raging tide of blood gushed forth from his body and drowned all the Frost-Giants, save two—through sheer luck a giant called Bergelmir clung to his workbench, which floated on the waves and carried him and his wife to safety. They were banished to the wilderness of Jötunheim, and from them are descended the lesser races of giants. Triumphant, Odin, Vili, and Vé took Ymir’s corpse and used it to fashion the Earth. From his broken bones and teeth they made the rocks and mountains; from his pulped flesh they made the land, and from his blood and sweat they made the salty sea. The gods took Ymir’s skull also and, emptying out his brains, they set it above the Earth to serve as the vault of the heavens. It was held aloft by four Dwarfs who were called North, South, East, and West. The gods captured the sparks drifting out of Muspelheim and thus created the stars and the planets. Finally, they took Ymir’s lumpy gray brain matter and used it to make storm clouds. The gods called this world Midgard, and it would come to be the verdant abode of mortals.


The Creation Myth of the Jötnar

Before the Earth was made, there was only the Great Void, which we call Ginnungagap, between the two worlds of ice and fire. The world of ice, Niflheim, lay to the north, and within it was the fountainhead from which all rivers flow. To the south was Muspelheim, the world of fire. In the Void, the heat from the south and the north’s cold cancelled each other out, creating a temperate region of swirling mists. One of the rivers out of Niflheim, called Elivagar, was salty and brimming with yeasts and peat, and as it froze in the intense cold, it built up with layer upon layer of rime-frost, creating floating white mountains. These were carried into Ginnungagap, where the heat from Muspelheim began to melt them, making a thick mist that then fell as a warm rain. This eroded the ice further, until it formed the shape of a man. The heat and sparks that drifted in from Muspelheim worked upon the enriched ice and brought the figure to life. The child of hot and cold, this was Ymir, Father of the Gods.

Ymir rose to his feet and surveyed his domain. He traveled to the very edge of Niflheim, which he saw was a barren wasteland of ice and snow. He then walked to the borders of Muspelheim, but found only a land of hot coals, lava, and slag that no traveler could cross. Satisfied, he settled in the verdant center of Ginnungagap, where the icy rivers were melting. Desiring companionship, Ymir called forth from the rushing waters the beautiful goddess Audumbla, and she became his wife.

Ymir and Audumbla loved each other with a great passion, and they were soon blessed with a daughter and a son—Vitholf, the Forest Wolf, who would become the mother of all sibyls and wise women, and Svarthofthi, the Black Head, who would become the father of all sorcerers and alchemists. In due course, they had a third child—Vilmeith, the Wish-Tree, who would be the father of all seers and soothsayers. When her babies were fussy, Audumbla would give them small chunks of the salty river ice to suck on. As the ice chunks melted, the babies would find inside them the tiny, pale forms of gnomes and spit them out. The first of these gnomes was called Búri, and Audumbla and her children laughed at his foolishness. However, Ymir was not amused, and so he banished the gnomes to the muggy swamps near Muspelheim.

As time passed, Ymir and Audumbla produced a mighty race of gods, but they were endlessly plagued by the craven Búri and his wretched offspring. His deceitful son, Bor, took the goddess Bestla as his wife by tricking her father, Bölthorn, and this shameful union produced the three villainous brothers, Odin, Vili, and Vé, who would bring woe to Ymir’s kin. When they were grown, these hoodlums ambushed Ymir and stabbed him in the back. As Ymir’s powerful frame crashed to the ground, a torrent of blood raged forth and washed away all that lived in the Great Void—all save clever Bergelmir, who foresaw the gnomes’ treachery and had built a wooden raft that carried him and his wife to safety. They sailed to a paradise that they called Jötunheim, and there they produced the many races of the Jötnar—the Frost-Giants, the Storm-Giants, and the Mountain-Giants.

In the Great Void, Odin, Vili, and Vé desecrated Ymir’s body—grinding up his bones and teeth to make the rocks for a new world, pulping his flesh to make new land, and mixing his blood, sweat, and tears into a new ocean. They took his skull and set it up as the dome of a new sky, to be held up forever by four slaves called North, South, East, and West. The villains then captured the sparks drifting out of Muspelheim and thus created their own stars and planets. Finally, they took Ymir’s brains and hung them in the sky as storm clouds. The gnomes called this corpse-world Midgard, and it would come to be the frightful abode of mortals.